Although my body has been black and blue caused his beating which he given to me, I still feel another beat, my crying and screaming for asking had an out can’t lose his angry to me, with his spirit face poured the swear curse which smell the alcohol, my dad rough me up without stopping like a high class boxer hit his enemy, his continually hit drives me to the top of the pain till I can’t feel it anymore, and at that time my crying was stopped, but I still against him by seeing him deeply, “hit me small scoundrel, come on” the alcohol smell which out of his mouth fulfill my nose, “hit me…….come on, don’t stop!”
I still stand like a statue, I get my flick-knife from my trouser pocket inch by inch, some second later, I felt my hand flight with it’s self. The blood dropped, my father’s face was injured by the knife, he smiles to me while erase the dropping of blood in his face and then he licks the blood in his fingers. “I really happy, you were brave to against me, go on please, go on come on, I want you become a great scoundrel, not just a scoundrel” my father insisted me till I slipped into the corner of the room, his mouth just some inches from my face, the smell of alcohol flew from his mouth, “I want you become a great scoundrel, a great thief, not just a little thief who steal a chips”, he strikes me anymore with a heavy swat, the pain which caused by his swat creeps my soul, I wobbled, by the rest of my power, I flight my flick-knife, but just the wind which I tore, he just laugh loudly.
My mother who has been crying twines me suddenly, I felt her warm tear dropped to my chick.
“Leave us old scoundrel! We don’t want to see you again staying in this house” my mother curses him shakily.
My father smile cynically while saying, “you ought to be off, I don’t want my son being educated with a whore like you”.
“However he is my son too, I had pregnant him for nine years, you weren’t more than a ……………”
“You were ungrateful girl, you ought to grateful, because I wanted to entrust my sperm in your womb”
Her crying was stopped, she laugh with a way face, “before you sleep with me and invest your sperm, how many man who had slept with me till I pregnant, so nobody can guarantee that Roy was your son, it was likely that he was the son of a scientist, artist, entrepreneur, Politician, bureaucrat, businessman, corruptor, a man like a crocodile, snake, pig, devil or moreover Satan, you haven’t the right to educate him to be the thief or a hit man/murderer by trade, although he probably was the son of a murderer, robber or moreover a pirate, even he was the incarnation of a hit man, but it didn’t mean that he has to be like his parent, he has the right to seem a little angle too?” she caress me deeply.
“How can I trust prostitute mouth like you”
Suddenly, his handphone was screaming
“Yes, myself. Who is this? Oooo Mr……… What is going on sir? What can I assist? O..oo okey, for me it’s so easy ….and about the payment, just send it to my bank account. The cost wasn’t so expensive sir, you know alone about that, this is a great risk, okay, thanks sir”.
Without looking into us one second even also, directly he rushes. Few minutes later, then I hear the car whir of him leave my house yard.
That’s the last moment of mine meet with him. Approximately, twenty year or more. What I remember, my body still sticks with public high school uniform. My father so hate if my mischief only just quarreling with closed friend, other inconsequential activity or fighting. “Become any kind of, if only accounting, yes do not yield something!” he snapped me.
“I wish to become just politician. I hope you will defray me to go on my study to the university”
“What for? Have too much one who live by falsehood”
“You wish me to become murderer or thief?”
“it’s more gentlemen/masculine if it’s compared to them who has dignity mask whereas the same with us, getting the money through wrong way, If becoming a murderer or thief, only your hand which is dirty, but it isn’t for your tongue, Cleaning hand much more easy than cleaning tongue, You do not have a skill for the bush at all”.
When I pass SMU, my father leaving mother, there’s nothing left, except exorcism oath. He go as wind, don’t know where. My Mother didin’t feel important to look for Father, her Bawl out Enragement always put to rout my longing at Father. “There’s nothing require to regret. Even have to thank goodness, including if your Father go to hell even if”.
Crucially, My mother defraying me to go on my study to the university in the Metropolis city, a modern civilization disarming my primitive.me. My brain strive to permeate iridescent coloured ideas which possible come from sky. Is not similar “teaching” routine of my father, who teach me the hardness… blood… blood… and blood!.
I really sad, my mother cannot feel the happiness when I finished my education at the university, In the middle of broil fight against ferocious gracious cancer, my mother ever said. “I wish you become a tiny angel which with small wings fly to guard my late later…” Finally, Mother has to surrender to the death.
The Single way of me to reciprocate the sacrifice of my mother only trying to become a tiny angel which flies guarding her late. A tiny angel? Oh…… I sure, my mother too abundant. Her expectation like sunshine which is trying to break darkness of night which emerges from drunkard’s dream cavity like Father, “I more proud you become big thief. Big murderer!”
His words up to now still alive in my ears. Also that noon, when I visit him in his “new house” Nusakambangan prison, which is damp to be, chilled and is famous “ghostlike”. Only big criminals who deserve to live in the old prison which located in that remote island. I enter the complex alleys of that prison meagerly tremble. Alongside alley repeatedly I meet a man who has the horrible face knocked around by the wardens lightly blow and whiplash. My step felt weight fringe that long alleys, till I arrived in the visit room.
“Roy yes?” Seemingly my father’s memory still enough sharply. He swiftly recognizes me. his body seem thinly. His moustache and beard grow very close, as close as exorcism oath which always sticks in my memory. Although appears from his face that he a little bit weak. My father still stare at me confusedly but I feel it was so deep, his eyes similar the fireball. Emotion suffuse in my mind poke. I do not have the power to arrest two water courses emitting a stream in my cheek.
“Crying only showing a weakness” he said suddenly.
I am stung, there is a sneaking pride which creeps in my heart cavity. How can my father can as obstinate as that? Isn’t it true that his life at the verge of lethal? Tomorrow morning, he/she have to face the firing squad, the hot tins will tear his heart.
“I had given my heart to the life………” my father fizz, like cunning snake which stand to face the slice of the hunter.
“But, why you have to kill Mr. Roni, moreover you had killed his family”.
My father just smiled; seemingly there was not regret in his face at all.
“Yes…… why not? It was my job. Is there someone who feel lost with Mr. Roni’s decision, he was brave to pay me with much salary, and I agreed to the role of this game that I would not mention his name whatever the condition”.
“But if you willingly expose that’s slaughter, probably tour punishment will not as great as this time”.
“What for? The worst murderer was who denied the promise and he was a chicken out……and how about you? We never meet for age, how many person which you had killed my son?”.
“Forgive me dad, I have disappointed you, I have endeavored hardly, but indeed I do not have skill at all to be a robber, thief or a murderer like you….forgive me dad…..” my voice choked up, my tear are going to flow, but I endure it, because I am shy to my father, I afraid he will chuckle seeing me like a child, whereas I was mature.
“So, all the time, what had you been? What had you done?”
His remark shakes my soul, its question was drubbed, as drub as his hit which right on my deary, my mind wind up strongly, looking for the right words to be spoken, but its word transforms become a strange hank which chocked up the throat, breath by breath I blew to set my soul at rest, but it can not help me, I still can not control my self.
“Dad…… are you ready to face the death?” I remarked suddenly trying to shift the talking, he still stare me with his confused gaze. The fireballs go around in his eyes.
“Whenever I am ready to face it, and I unperturbed to face it at all, I could get the happiness and the suffering caused by the merit of the death, so when the death backs and takes my heart, I welcome it warmly”.
“What is your wish and hope before you pass away? Probably there is message?.
“One point that I regretted was, I could not educate you to be a great thief or a murderer…….”.
“what I mean was not it, I mean something which connected with your trip later”.
“I was not really afraid to the death, because all the time I live from other’s death, and for me, the death is really wonderful, my son…..how many times I drive the others scream in the pain, till their soul leap from their body, oh…..it was really fantastic…”.
“Perhaps, you need guidance to pray?”.
“Why have you said so? Are you…..?”.
“Yes….I appointed to guide you for praying”.
“So, you are a prayer? Like a monk….my son? Will God receive my praying? Whereas I a sinful man?”.
I nodded slowly, I see his eye is going to cry, and this is the first time I see his tear dropped.
“My mother hoped me to be a tiny angle which flies keeping her soul”.
“Probably my soul too……….”he caresses me warmly, tightly, so tight, this the first time in my life I feel an affection of him which he spread to my soul. His caress spacing out, when a thunder of the knocking shoes approach us.
“Are you ready sir?” an official said politely
“let us talk each other first” I said to him politely too.
The official leave us slowly, we feel the jail room press us strongly, the cold wall squeeze us slowly, we caress each other so warm, as if we can not separated each other with whatever power in this world, I felt my shoulder was wet, ya……my father’s tear flew on my shoulder.
I left the jail with heavy step, I felt the time passed so past at that time, white drizzle which covered the twilight, it made the afternoon older and more dark, furthermore the seconds of watch which slice the time become the pieces of bad memory.
The thunder of the shooting from the gun hurt my soul, I saw my father’s face smiled to me, the death was so wonderful, ya….like my father said, but it was not for who left, my father’s soul catch up with my mother’s soul, but I never know, can I be the tiny angle which fly accompanying their soul like what they hoped last time.
Issued at Qalam Magazine (Second Edition)